Weird.

For whatever reason I actually feel good this weekend. Let's see how long this lasts.

I've Realized What's Been Missing.

But can I ever get it back?


The moment I thought it was over the dynamics of my thought process came to a screeching halt. As much as there were difficult thoughts, as much confusion there was about certain things: it all kept me going. It brought stability to my mind and my heart.

Is there even a possibility for a second chance? I'll never know if I do not pursue one. I can't be much worse than I am now. If it leads to me getting hurt even worse then I just have to remember that pain is weakness leaving the body.

It's only getting worse.

I don't know why I keep going, but I do anyway. I'm probably just way too stubborn. I'm still really not okay, but I'll smile anyway.

Crossing things off the list.

I don't know  how many years now I've been saying I wanted to learn to play the guitar. My first attempt in 2006 failed, and all the years that followed. I just ordered an Ibanez AEG10E and it should be here within the week. Hopefully forcing the instrument in front of me in conjunction with all the free time we have out here will force me to finally accomplish this goal. I have a lot of ambition and eagerness to start things, but unless I place myself in a situation where I have little choice other than to continue, I'm quick to drop them.

I guess once I start adapting to the traits I already know about myself I can get over these humps and move on.

I might act like it, but

I'm probably not okay. Maybe eventually, but for the moment probably not.

I honestly don't know who I am anymore, but maybe I never really did. I might have finished searching, but I don't think I found an answer. At times I try really hard to cling onto who I feel I was, but the more I'm changed by my current profession, the harder it is to hold on.

It's definitely why it ended, and why nothing else will start for potentially a long while.

One step at a time. Tomorrow is another day. Charlie Mike.

Very Uncharacteristic.

I haven't been this upset in a very long time. When I initially lost control of the bottle, it was mostly due to the need for fun. I eventually set it down, but this time I don't know. If you don't remember it doesn't hurt, right?

Charlie Mike. Over.

?

I'm pretty upset now, but in that calm rationalizing way if that makes sense.
So I'm free to do what I will of my life, but personally I don't really know what I want for myself. Admittedly I pretty much just do what I feel like with only vague goals that I hope solidify when the time is right. So far it's worked out for me, but I've always had that one person I thought would be there at the end to really work for.

 No longer the case.

Maybe of my own doing, or maybe that's just the way it is. Either way it has me a bit lost, but at the very least more focused on the task at hand. I guess what upsets me the most is now I don't know what I have to motivate me to come back. It leaves me more willing to stick my neck out for my comrades when we hit the ground, but that willingness is kind of scary when I think about it.

As my normal routine, I'll just wait it out and hope everything fixes itself for me.

New Directions

Just so this thing isn't completely useless and to give myself something to do out here in the land of nothing known as Hinesville, GA, I'll turn this thing into a non-art spcific blog.

I've come a long way from the person of yesteryear trying anything and everything to find out what I wanted to do with myself. I wasn't sure what path I wanted to take, as I felt I had many I was capable of walking. Having signed my soul away to the government, my road has really narrowed, but not for the worst. There's definitely a lot of peace in having a set future. The army has really simplified my life in the way I really needed. I'm not completely dropping my artistic endeavors completely, as I did an extensive amount of photographing during AIT, but it's definitely more something I have to do on the side now.

It's weird how I feel very brainwashed and soldierized, yet I continue to redefine myself as a civilian, however little time I may spend being one. I guess since I spend more time as a soldier than as a civilian I feel like I need to really exaggerate and indulge during the time I'm allowed to be one. Whatever the case may be, despite having to leave behind an enjoyable life, I'm liking my transition so far.