I'm so different now I barely recognize myself.
But mostly for the better.
Whatever is different for the worse I still need work on.
I don't know if it's the blast or the actual deployment as a whole that changed me as much as it did.
Probably both.

I need to try harder to grow up.

I've become a bit of an expert at letting go, but once it's gone I want to grab on again. Did I never let go to begin with?

Nonetheless forward is the only way I know how to move. At least that has not changed about me.


I want to be more selfish.
I can't even commit to doing that.
I need to live for me, even if for a little while.

There are not enough hours in the day.
I need to manage my time better.

I need to prioritize my actual plans in life.
But first I still don't know what's most important to me.

Can I keep flying where the wind takes me?
How can I set a plan for myself this way?

I'm lost when I'm alone because I can go anywhere and do anything.
But when someone is leading me I often want to wander off into the unknown.
Do I just want to be lost?
Should I continue wherever the wind keeps taking me?

I need to find a solid path; but one with many winding roads.

I feel like I'm slowly regaining my humanity.

Coming out of a month's worth of field training and returning to my room with all my stuff feels pretty comforting. Having a 4 wheeled vehicle that can take some friends and drive through the stupid Georgia weather is pretty nice too.

Cycling through older goals.

They had to get done eventually. Here goes my second shot at learning to play guitar.

Ibanez AEG10E.

Slowly Revitalizing

As I continue to regain my humanity I'm also building a collection of things I've always wanted to have.

 

S&W M&P9c/Benchmade 8-hook/Kershaw Skyline/wallet w/ Streamlight Keymate/HTC Sensation 4G/ 2009 Yamaha R1/Gerber Compact Sport

Let's try to continue this trend.

Weird.

For whatever reason I actually feel good this weekend. Let's see how long this lasts.

I've Realized What's Been Missing.

But can I ever get it back?


The moment I thought it was over the dynamics of my thought process came to a screeching halt. As much as there were difficult thoughts, as much confusion there was about certain things: it all kept me going. It brought stability to my mind and my heart.

Is there even a possibility for a second chance? I'll never know if I do not pursue one. I can't be much worse than I am now. If it leads to me getting hurt even worse then I just have to remember that pain is weakness leaving the body.

It's only getting worse.

I don't know why I keep going, but I do anyway. I'm probably just way too stubborn. I'm still really not okay, but I'll smile anyway.

Crossing things off the list.

I don't know  how many years now I've been saying I wanted to learn to play the guitar. My first attempt in 2006 failed, and all the years that followed. I just ordered an Ibanez AEG10E and it should be here within the week. Hopefully forcing the instrument in front of me in conjunction with all the free time we have out here will force me to finally accomplish this goal. I have a lot of ambition and eagerness to start things, but unless I place myself in a situation where I have little choice other than to continue, I'm quick to drop them.

I guess once I start adapting to the traits I already know about myself I can get over these humps and move on.

I might act like it, but

I'm probably not okay. Maybe eventually, but for the moment probably not.

I honestly don't know who I am anymore, but maybe I never really did. I might have finished searching, but I don't think I found an answer. At times I try really hard to cling onto who I feel I was, but the more I'm changed by my current profession, the harder it is to hold on.

It's definitely why it ended, and why nothing else will start for potentially a long while.

One step at a time. Tomorrow is another day. Charlie Mike.

Very Uncharacteristic.

I haven't been this upset in a very long time. When I initially lost control of the bottle, it was mostly due to the need for fun. I eventually set it down, but this time I don't know. If you don't remember it doesn't hurt, right?

Charlie Mike. Over.

?

I'm pretty upset now, but in that calm rationalizing way if that makes sense.
So I'm free to do what I will of my life, but personally I don't really know what I want for myself. Admittedly I pretty much just do what I feel like with only vague goals that I hope solidify when the time is right. So far it's worked out for me, but I've always had that one person I thought would be there at the end to really work for.

 No longer the case.

Maybe of my own doing, or maybe that's just the way it is. Either way it has me a bit lost, but at the very least more focused on the task at hand. I guess what upsets me the most is now I don't know what I have to motivate me to come back. It leaves me more willing to stick my neck out for my comrades when we hit the ground, but that willingness is kind of scary when I think about it.

As my normal routine, I'll just wait it out and hope everything fixes itself for me.

New Directions

Just so this thing isn't completely useless and to give myself something to do out here in the land of nothing known as Hinesville, GA, I'll turn this thing into a non-art spcific blog.

I've come a long way from the person of yesteryear trying anything and everything to find out what I wanted to do with myself. I wasn't sure what path I wanted to take, as I felt I had many I was capable of walking. Having signed my soul away to the government, my road has really narrowed, but not for the worst. There's definitely a lot of peace in having a set future. The army has really simplified my life in the way I really needed. I'm not completely dropping my artistic endeavors completely, as I did an extensive amount of photographing during AIT, but it's definitely more something I have to do on the side now.

It's weird how I feel very brainwashed and soldierized, yet I continue to redefine myself as a civilian, however little time I may spend being one. I guess since I spend more time as a soldier than as a civilian I feel like I need to really exaggerate and indulge during the time I'm allowed to be one. Whatever the case may be, despite having to leave behind an enjoyable life, I'm liking my transition so far.

Sidetracked. Closing doors... for now at least.

Okay, so a bunch of stuff happened since I last posted. I created this to help me keep track of everything for myself and my progress, but as I've been a bit irresponsible with my updating, I have lost track of a lot of things.

I have opened many doors for myself in the past few months in a very short amount of time.

I began interning for a group called Auteur Studios as well as Kevin Flint of Dystopian Studios.

I didn't get to do too much work with Auteur Studios as my gig with Kevin was a paying one and in my head superseded the other, naturally. I was eventually getting swamped with my own personal creative stuff at home so decided to drop Auteur from my list of things to do. Also everything they had me doing was too much of a drive for me to go out on a consistent basis without pay.

Dystopian has a ton of potential behind it as far as where I can take myself artistically with it.

On the race track side of things, I have been shooting for M1GP and through them have had a few pictures published in a few places. I could definitely see this as something I would commit to if I were sticking around. I've been able to experiment with a bunch of techniques I've been trying to learn and use them successfully, as well as drastically improve my racing abilities. Although I've dropped bigger dreams of racing professionally, it's still an amazingly fun hobby I've finally grabbed on to and can now never let go of.




I've done a lot of vinyl wrapping work for my own personal stuff for the first time, and I'm pretty satisfied with the results. I can definitely use these new skills on future projects.


I'm sure I'm forgetting a ton of other things, but artistically this is most of the stuff that's been going on. However, for as much progress I've been making, I'll have to put it all on hold as I've signed my life away with the U.S. Army as a field combat medic. In trying to begin a million different possible routes my life could take at the same time, it seems the military has won this race. It seemed like a logical thing to do to advance myself in the medical field, as I've recently decided to use my abilities for others instead of myself, and feel it would be a shame to let my medical training go to waste.

Also from a logical standpoint, my artistic endeavors can easily be done on the side of a medical career, whereas a medical career is kind of difficult to juggle around art related things. It just makes more sense both monetarily and in every other way.

Who was I kidding, I can't really escape my destiny as a medical caregiver can I?

I feel my powers growing.

It's weird how things sometimes fall into my lap the way I wish them to.

One of my main interests at the moment is to become a motor sports photographer.
While riding through Mullholland on the famous turn at "The Snake" I saw a photographer that normally isn't there. I stopped by to talk with him for a while and he just so happened to be an established motor sports photographer testing out some new techniques.

This could not have been coincidence.

I used this moment to seek his advice and pick at his brain a bit while I could. I told him about how I wanted to start photography school. The answer I expected was something along the lines of "Oh, cool."

Instead his immediate response was, "Why?"

He happened to also be an instructor, and basically told me that photography school for a digital photographer of today is a waste of time because everything I need to know is already laying around on the internet. I guess I wanted to do it more to have a physical confirmation of my accomplishment at the end of it, and because my parents would feel better about me being in school instead of doing nothing.

This was really what I needed to hear.

Sure enough I've been scouring the internet for knowledge and techniques. The internet really makes so many things so easy these days. I've always been somewhat afraid of Photoshop. Maybe more intimidated than afraid. That was one thing I really wanted to take a class for because I felt better about someone relaying the information to me and making sure I'm doing it right. Something in me finally just said, "Fuck it" and I just went for it. My usual method of learning is to just jump right in; I don't know why I've been so reluctant to do so with this.
Long story short, I feel my powers growing.



There's something really awesome about just finding a beautiful spot all by yourself and just taking it all in. It's not something I'm used to doing, but maybe someday soon it will be.

So I have come to yet another decision

Metalsmithing did not exactly take me into a direction I originally assumed it would. Although it has started a small side business for me with custom crafted rings/necklaces and hopefully soon: earrings, it's still not what I thought.
My next attempt will be to try my hand at school again, possibly at Santa Monica College and enroll in their photography program.

Out of all my "hobbies" this has been my most persistent one. Everything else I do has been supplemented with me taking pictures or video of whatever else it is I'm doing, and I enjoy it as much as whatever that may be. Sometimes it seems as though me trying to take the picture of whatever activity I'm doing takes over the activity itself, which leads me to believe this may be where a bigger portion of my soul may lie.

I believe the only way to know for certain is to try. But a part of my also believes that there is no try, only do.

I tried applying online today but because the term I'm applying to is not yet open it took me to all these confusing things. I'll call tomorrow and see how it goes.

Anyways, this path may potentially lead me to a side quest that has been lurking in the back of my mind since around 2007: tackling the infamous Art Center College of Design. Ever since I first visited that place with Boeun way back when it had this aura about it that I was so attracted to. Even now. The atmosphere was flooded with talent, inspiration, and maybe what I yearned for most of all, a challenge I would enjoy.

The feeling I get from even thinking about it almost rivals my passion for racing, and from a certain standpoint seems more attainable, yet still slightly beyond my reach. Things always seem more attractive for that reason.




vs




Who will win?